A Little Biker Guy walks up to a hottie in his office each day, stands very close to her, 
draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, 
she can’t stand it any longer, and goes to Human Resources.Without identifying the guy, she 
tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit 
against him.The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What’s sexually 
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice? The woman replies,
"It’s Keith, the midget."

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces.
He Says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink
from the same glass twice."An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks 
his beer, throws His glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots 
the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't
need to drink out of the same glass twice either.
The Tennessee girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks
it, throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun and shoots the
Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches her glass.
She Says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that
we don't have to drink WITH the same ones twice.
God Bless America ! ! ! !

Biker Bob is going to it on the bathroom floor with a wild chick when he grunts, "Spread your legs! Spread your legs! Wider! Wider!"She says, "What are you trying to do, get your balls in?"
He says, "Hell no, I'm trying to get 'em out!"

How did the accident happen?" asked the doctor."Well," explained the patient, "I was making love to my girlfriend on the living room rug when, all of a sudden, the chandelier came crashing down on us."
"Fortunately, you've only sustained some minor lacerations on your buttocks," the doctor said. "You're a very lucky man.""You said it, doc," the man replied. "A minute sooner and it would have fractured my skull."

Fly goes to hell and the devil greets him. He takes him to a hallway which has three different doors and tells him he'll have to choose one room to spend the rest of eternity in. So he takes him to the first door and he opens it and sees everyone standing on their heads on wooden floors. Fly, thought that would be pretty terrible to spend the rest of eternity on his head on such a hard floor and asked the devil to show him the second door. Everyone in the second room was standing on their heads on concrete. Fly, thought that was even worse to spend the rest of eternity on his head on an even harder floor. Finally the devil takes him to the third door and in that room everyone is up to their knees in dog shit and drinking beer. Fly, thought that was pretty bad, but at least he could drink beer so he told the devil he chose the third room to spend the rest of eternity in. So Fly, up to his knees in dog shit, drank beer for a few minutes. Then the devil came back into the room and said "Beer  break is over. Back on your heads."

Gator was sittin’ next to a babe at a bar when she suddenly sneezed , and then shuddered for 10 or 15 seconds. He did’nt think much of it and went on drinkin’ his beer. A few minutes later, she sneezed again and Shuddered! And then again!! Gator turned to the her and said,  "Are you all right? And she replied "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm. So Gator Said “ What are you taking for it?" The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."

A biker arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. When she arrives it is dark and he tells her to undress, climb into bed, and they go at it. When the biker finished he jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back in with the hooker for a repeat performance. The hooker is amazed at how great the sex is! During the fifth encounter, she decides to try it herself. So, when they are done, she jumps up, runs to the window, takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed and finds four other Bikers ready to go!

A young lady went missing on board a ship. After 5 weeks during a search of the vessel, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get to go to Europe and he's screwing me." "In more ways than one, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

 It was Bike night at Spike’s Bar and they where tryin’ something new by havin’ hypnotist The Amazing Claude. Claude announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite 2 or 3 people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and biker here”! Claude took out a pocket watch and said "I want you all to keep your eye on the watch”. He repeated watch the watch,watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, 100’s of pairs of eyes followed it, until, suddenly ----- it slipped from the Claude's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.  Shit!" said the Hypnotist... It took three weeks to clean up the Spike’s!

Chickie rode home from her date,tossed her coat over a chair, and threw her clothes 
around the bedroom without care. The next morning at breakfast, her roomate asked her if 
she had a good time?"Oh", sighed Chickie, "I had a wonderful time." That Spider is some 
kinda man"I thought as much", her roommate remarked, "Your underpants are still stuck to the ceiling!"

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"He backed her up against the bathroom door, ripped her robe off and gave her one there and then.When he finished he started putting his clothes on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door.
"What's wrong? Didn't you come? Do you want more?"
His wife said, "No, no, it's not that. I'm just trying to get the doorknob out of my ass!"

  An old biker woke up in the middle of the night and , to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed, "What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

  Two dogs were sitting in a vet's office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, "Whatcha doing here?"
The little dog responds, "I'm getting 'fixed'. Whenever I see my mistress I get so horny I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It's very embarrassing."
The first dog says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my mistress had just got out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn't resist it... I jumped up and starting taking her from the rear!"
The second dog exclaimed, "Wow! So you're here to be fixed too?" "Hell no, I'm getting de-clawed."

  A Priest is downtown when a hooker walks up, "Hey father, head, $10.00."
The Priest didn't understand and went back to the church.
He asks a nun, "What's head?"
The nun says, "$10.00, same as downtown!"

  Two Bikers are in a bar talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.""I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other biker, "What is it?"
Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."
Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.

    A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall, but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks, the two went back to the tall woman's apartment.
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all.""Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs, and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told, and soon she felt the biggest thing she had ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes, the woman had climaxed eight times.
"If you think was good," said the midget with a smirk, "just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

A Mexican drinks his beer and throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol & shoots the glass into pieces.  He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice. "An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either. "A Florida Biker, downs his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican & the Iraqi, & catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Iraqi’s that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
SENT IN BY A LOYAL AMERICAN

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Scrumpus and his ole lady were in their bedroom and she says , 'I wish I had bigger tits'. Scrumpus says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' she says!
'Well it worked for your ass' says Scrumpus!!!

Ravioli was walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then". 

Retired Biker NOW Nursing Home Cop!!!!!
 An old Lady in a nursing home rides up and down the halls in her
wheelchair making sounds like she's on a scoot.
As she's going down the hall an Old Jasper the Biker  jumps out of a room and says,
Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and
hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, Jasper the Biker jumps out of
a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the center line back
there." "Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands
it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on
her way. She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes
to Jasper's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has
a Boner! The old lady in the wheelchair looks up with a look of horror and says, "Oh
no not the Breathalyzer again!"

This Woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!". Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"

  Little Johnny was playing in the field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What’s the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum it could actually be done!

 One day Twitcher discovers her dog is having trouble hearing,so she puts him in the side car and off to the vet they go! After the vet gets a look at the dog he tells Twitch HE HAS AN OVER ABUNDANCE OF HAIR IN HIS EARS AND THAT IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS. He instructs her to go to the Drug Store and get some NAIR hair remover and use it once a month.
  The Druggist tells Twitch if she is going to use it in her pits not to shave them for a week. She says NO IT'S NOT FOR MY PITS IT IS FOR MY Schnauzer. So he says in that case don't ride you bike for a 10 days.

A hot biker chick goes into an adult store and decides she wants a dildo. The guy behind the counter shows her a few but she doesn't like any of them and tells him so. The guy says, "Well, we have a special one that's 150 dollars. It's called the magic dildo. Whenever you say "Magic dildo my: something" it starts screwing you there. So she buys it and leaves. While she's riding back home she decides to try it out and says "Magic dildo my shoulder!" and it starts humping her shoulder. She's pleased and says "Magic dildo my pussy!" and it starts screwing her there. It works so well that she can't control the scoot and starts swerving all over the road. A cop is parked nearby and sees her swerving and figures it's another drunk. He pulls her over and asks her what she's doing swerving all over like that. She says "I'm sorry officer but I just bought a magic dildo and it was distracting me." The cop has heard some wild excuses but this one takes the cake. He says, "Yeah, right. Magic dildo my ass."
Sent In By "SCHMO"

 One day, a woman goes to the doctor. She says her sex life had really gone down the toilet recently, is there anything you can prescribe? the doctor says there's this pill you put in your husband's coffee each morning, and it livens up your sex life more than viagra. So the woman gets the pills and leaves. the next morning, she puts one in her husband's coffee. that night she comes home from work and her husband is laying on the bed naked waiting for her. They have the best sex ever. She goes back to the doctor to ask if she can put more than one pill in the coffee a day. The doctor says there's no reason not to. So the next morning she puts two pills in. That night she found him laying on the couch naked with flowers and candy. They had even better sex than the night before. the next morning she decided to put the whole bottle in, to see what would happen. That night, a police officer was cruising around when he saw this little boy crying on the side of the road. He stopped to ask what was wrong, and the little boy replied: "my mommy's dead from too much sex, my sister's pregnant, my asshole hurts, and daddy's in the backyard naked going 'here kitty kitty kitty...'"
Sent In By "Meagan C"

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69."
"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between
your legs, and you put your head between mine."Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the
moment, he agrees to try it. The second they get into position, she lets loose a rip-roaring fart!
"What was that for???" he asks."Ooops!..sorry, let's try it again" she says. So, they get into position
again, and once more she lets one loose! The guy gets up and starts to put
his coat on. "Wait, where are you going??" she asks.The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those,you're crazy!!"
Sent In By "PegLeg Pete"

An old man gets put into a nursing home by his son. He doesn't like it, but he stays in there for his son's sake. On his first morning in the nursing home, he wakes up with a boner. Out of nowhere, the most beautiful nurse he's ever seen comes in, kneels down in front of him, and blows him without saying a word. After its over the old man calls his son. He says "Son, thankyou so much for putting me in this nursing home" The son says "well, gee dad what happened?" The old man tells him. The son says," congratulations dad" Thankyou son" says the old man, and hangs up. Later on in the day the old man is walking down a hallway when he suddenly trips and falls. Out of nowhere, this big hillbilly orderly comes up, rips his pants down, fucks the old man up the ass, and leaves him lying there in a heap. After its over the old man drags himself to a phone, calls his son, and says" Son, you gotta get me out of here, this place is nuts!" "Well gee dad what happened?" asked the son. The old man tells him, and the son says " Well, you got a blowjob this morning, I guess you gotta take the good with the bad." " You dont understand son," the old man says," I only get a boner once a month, I fall down 3 or 4 times a day!"
Sent In By "Bald Bob"

"Wait, where are you going??" she asks.

Plaid Dildo

Blown Seal

An Eskimo's Harley goes on the fritz. He takes it to a mechanic, who, after examining the vehicle, says, "I think you've blown a seal."

To which the Eskimo replies, "No, that's just a little ice on my mustache.

This broad is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near the end of the night, Wino Wally says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The Wally says, "Any girl that can lift her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!"

 Chopper goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." 
Chopper says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, "Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?" The guy says, "Buddy, I'm 6 feet, 210 pounds, an' ma name's Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there's Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mike's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?" The fella says, "Naw, you're

One morning while making breakfast Skids pinched his old lady’s ass and said "if you firmed this up you wouldn't need a girdle." She said nothing! The next morning he pinched her titty and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." She was pissed now and rolled over and grabbed him by his slong with a death grip and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the butler, the pool man, and your brother."

A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't so good in bed either!" By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion."

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio says, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"

A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. "

Biker Bob was tired of his job at the local pickle factory. So one day Bob was getting so depressed that he stuck his crank in the pickle slicer. Of course he got fired!! So he went home and told his wife that he put his crank in the pickle slicer. and she freaks, takes his pants off  only to find his crank was fine. Upset she cries "It's fine" and Bob says “I know I got fired and so did the she”!